The Kardashians finale summed up by someone who didn’t keep up

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Inconveniently meta, but surprisingly emotional, Thursday’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians series finale marked the family’s final appearance on reality TV … until this new deal with Hulu goes into effect.

Full disclosure : I’ve never seen a full episode of this show. Maybe a clip here and there. I definitely remember Googling « Kim Kardashian crying video » at the time, but not much beyond that. Still, I’m a sucker for a series finale. I even turned on the very last episode of Lost as I’ve never seen an episode before. And just like Lost, I assume that I’m wondering if we’ve all been trapped in purgatory the whole time.

Right off the bat I see that this episode is titled « The End, Part 2 » and I know that I’ll be lost Admittedly, I haven’t seen any of the other 270 episodes, but not seeing the first half of a series finale feels particularly irresponsible.

Speaking of irresponsible: Our journey begins with Kourtney Kardashian learning the pros and cons of reuniting weighs up with her ex-boyfriend Scott Disick, whom she finds « obviously handsome and funny » but is also unable to take responsibility for his actions. It’s a tough compromise. « Should I end my sentimentality? » she asks Kim at some point. I think she meant « finish my sentence » but I am unable to correct someone’s vocabulary at an obviously vulnerable moment.

Kourtney and Scott eventually sit down for a heart-to-heart conversation, absolutely Does nothing but make me realize how much he looks like Jared Leto. It’s honestly haunting. The truth is, I know very little about Kourtney and Scott other than having a kid named Reign. And I only remember it because I clearly remember making that awful joke about The CW’s Reign. Anyway, Scott gives zero energy in this finale, but if it’s just about the Jared Leto vibes, I’ll let it.

Kylie Jenner, who is likely (but maybe not?) A billionaire, is with everyone on Lake Tahoe for « last family vacation ». I’m worried again. Is this your last vacation ever? Did they just agree to go their separate ways and never talk about this time in their life? My fear, it turns out, is in vain. This is just the family’s last trip on E! S penny. We’re still a few decades away from Kylie’s grandchildren saying, « I think back to the Hulu vacation so emotionally. »

The meta-madness continues with a charade game focused on classic moments from the show . It’s like the Friends cast played « the game » at this HBO Max reunion, only with far less Tom Selleck for my liking.

They also organize a secret Santa Claus (wait, is it Christmas time now?) with gifts on the theme of the show. The rest of the group apparently traded presents in the first half of the finale (I knew I missed something!) So we only see Kylie and Kendall Jenner exchange their presents, including an old school VHS camera. This whole family seems to be very into VHS tapes, by the way. Do you have a deal with Big VHS or something? As it is written, the devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder.

Now Khloe Kardashian is on the phone with her boyfriend Tristan Thompson. He works in Boston (something about basketball?) And wants her to move there so they can spend more time together. Nothing I’ve seen of Khloe in the last 30 minutes suggests she’d love to live in Boston, but to be sure I Googled, « Is Khloe Kardashian happy in Boston? » Let’s just say I’ve learned a lot about this relationship – spoiler alert: It’s not moving to Boston.

Speaking of Boston (which is a terrible transition unless you associate this city solely with Legally Blonde, as I do) , Kim is getting her baby bar exam results. She failed. Fortunately, she is very supportive of all of her family, especially Kris, who just wants her daughter to be « happy and joyful ». (Remember when Kris had her own daytime talk show? Life is wild.)

The finale ends with the family having meaningful items – or whatever old Kardashian merch they were laying around for product placement – in buried in a time capsule. Kourtney puts on an old Smooch T-shirt, Scott puts on a shirt that says “I’m Staying Home”, Kim pockets a bottle of her very first fragrance (you’ll never forget your first!), Kendall puts a painting in the old house of the family, Kylie inserts her first three lip kits (also assignable!), Kris inserts her official « Momager » license and Khloe inserts the keys to her old store Dash.

* As a first-time viewer, I have myself with connected to these women. Compassion for her. Seeing you as a human. And then one of them said something like, « Wait, where do we have a ranch? » and I got straight to the point with the many of them.

* I’m also not afraid to admit that I didn’t know what a baby bar was. And it certainly wasn’t the noisy daycare I was expecting.

* I appreciate Khloe’s commitment to getting all the family supplies for the time capsule, but isn’t that what E! has literally done for the past 14 years?

Did the series finale meet your expectations? Check out a taste of Andy Cohen’s reunion (of course!) Next week below, then grade the episode:

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